my mouth tastes like poor choices
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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