dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
