I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
