What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
