Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
