i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
