I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
