i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
