and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need to stop coming to work sober
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
