i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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