Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
