does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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