one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
