I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
