Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
