i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
