and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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