she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
