my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
