a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
