I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
