Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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