You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
