I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
