I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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