i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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