Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
