the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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