and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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