Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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