remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
