watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
