By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
