i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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