I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
