so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
