I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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