There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
