Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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