My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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