I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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