I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
