I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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