then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
