I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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