apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
