Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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