I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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