I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We named our party play list daddy issues
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
