if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
