all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
