I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
